Dude, Where's My Spoon?
by M4K0
Summary: It’s…it’s…AN UPDATE!!! *choirs of Neo TV-Heads sing HALLELUIAH!* But just when you thought it was gonna be a stonking big chapter like the car chase,…it isn’t. Instead, I give you a Side-dish the like of which you've never seen here before!
1. ACK Crazy Zion Party!

Dude, Where's My Spoon?

Hello everyone, I'm Mako.  I'm TAKING OVER RELOADED!  That is, booting out the Wachowskis and puttin' on the director's hat!  Which essentially means it's funnier, suitable for pretty much all ages and dotted with inside jokes.  Since I'm bad with long-term writing commitments, I'm doing one scene at a time starting wherever I want and proceeding in no particular order.  This way I won't get writers block over one scene and then not be able to continue (it's happened before.)  So, without further ado, I give you… Dude, Where's My Spoon?: MAKOFIED RELOADED!

Rating: An extremely deliberate G.

Random Scene: The crazy Zion rave… Makofied.

People: Is that possible??

Mako: Wait and see…

***

Hamann: Hahaha, I'm an old man!  Now listen to Morpheus!

Zion: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

Morpheus: ZION!  HEAR ME!  The squiddies are coming to destroy us!

Zion: *gasps and murmurs*

Morpheus: But have no fear, we are still here!!!

Zion: Yeah… but for how long?

Morpheus: TONIGHT!  Let us partay like it's 2199!!

Zion: ………..*instantly forget about squiddies*  YEAH!!!!

Morpheus: That'll scare them off!

Mako: It'd work for me.

Spoon Kid: Or it will make it easier for them to find us…

Mako: I think you should be Head Councilor.

*partay begins*

Mako: WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zion: *freeze* …….

Mako: I'll have NONE OF THAT!  I want anyone wearing unnecessarily sparse or TRANSPARENT clothing to RETURN TO THEIR ROOMS AND PUT SOMETHING DECENT ON!  Then you may return and dance in a CIVILIZED MANNER!!

Zion: Aww….

Mako: DO IT!!

*half the crowd shuffles off to their rooms to get some real clothes, mumbling and looking at the floor*

Mako: Gawd, I thought this was a religious ceremony…

MEANWHILE:

Niobe: Yo, Morpheus!  What time is it brotha?

Morpheus:  Time to get our freak on!

Niobe: Some things never change.  Let's partay!

Lock: Niobe!!

Niobe: _What? _

Lock: Umm… time to go…

Niobe: Heck no!  It's time to PARTAY!

Lock: But I don't like dancing!

Niobe: I know you don't.  Bye!

Lock: But but but but…

Morpheus: HA-ha!

Niobe and Morpheus: *partay*

Lock: Grrrr.

ALSO MEANWHILE:

Some guy: Blablablablablablablablabla…

Neo: Uh huh, sure… I'm listening….

Trinity: *appears out of nowhere wearing Zion stuff*

Neo: Whooaaa excuse me!  *runs off*

Trinity: *glomp* 3

Neo: I missed you! 3

Audience: Aww…

Neo: I was thinking…

Trinity: You were?

Neo: Not funny.

Trinity: Hehe sorry.

Neo: Anyway—

Kid: *appears out of nowhere* NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo and Trinity: ACK!!

Kid: Look I have a present for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: Now is not the best time…

Kid: It's from the director!!!!!!!!!!!!  She made me swear to get it to you before—

Neo: Yeah yeah okay just give it to me!

Kid: *produces a 7 foot tall giant box wrapped in shiny green paper with a silver bow*

Neo: WHOA!  Where the monkeys did that come from?!

Kid: Nowhere pocket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: Well I'll just open it later….

Kid: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to open it now or it will self-destruct!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: WHAT?!

Kid: Openitopenitopenitopenitopenit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: Fine…  *rips off wrapping paper and opens box to find another wrapped box inside*  What the—

Kid:  OPEN THAT ONE OPEN THAT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trinity: *sighs and sits down*

Neo: *rips off wrapping paper and opens box again to find another one*  ARGH!

Kid: You have to get to the present or it will EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: ARGH!

FIVE HOURS LATER……..

*everyone is surrounded by and nearly buried in wrapping paper*

Trinity: *snore*

Neo: *is holding a box six inches long and two inches wide, wrapped in the same shiny green paper and silver bow*  This has to be the last one….  *opens it to find a long wad of green tissue paper*  AHAH!

Kid: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: *tears away tissue paper*  ………A SPOON?!?!

Kid: There's a note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note: Thought you were gonna get away with it, didn't you?  NOT IN *MY* KITCHEN!!!!  Still love ya!  ~Mako

Neo:….. *falls over*

Kid: Wow look at the time!!!!!!!!!!!!  The last ravers are clearing out!!!!!!!!!!!!  That means it's way past my bedtime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This was fun let's do it again tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!  Bye Neo!!!!!!!!!!!!  *runs off*

Neo: waaah….

Trinity: *snore*

LATER.

Neo: *wakes up* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Trinity: Huh what--- hey what are we doing on the floor?

Neo: Not floor… wrapping paper….

Trinity: *rubs head*  Ugh… what's wrong?

Neo: I had a bad dream about Smelrond!

Trinity: *yawn*  …Who?

Neo: *looks confused*  I don't know… I mean… Smith… *scratches head*

Trinity:  Alright dear.  Now if you don't mind I'm going to bed…

Neo: ……*looks puzzled for another minute then shakes head quickly in true Keanu fashion*  Nope, nope, can't sleep.  I'll just go wander aimlessly around.

Trinity: *yawn*  If you say so.  *pats Neo on the head and walks off*

Neo: *gets up and wanders out of sea of wrapping paper, over to a random balcony thing above the empty cave*  Hmm….

Voice: Penny for your thoughts?

Neo: …. Spoon Kid?!

Spoon Kid: *nods*

Neo: Somehow I was expecting the old guy…

Spoon Kid: The Councilor?

Neo: *nod*

Spoon Kid: That's me.

Neo: What?!

Spoon Kid:  Old men don't bother making points.  There is no point.

Neo: I see your point.

Spoon Kid: Exactly.

Neo: So how'd you get the job?

Spoon Kid: Our new director.

Neo: Of course. …..Hey can I ask you a question?

Spoon Kid: Shoot.

Neo: …Did you give her the spoon?

Spoon Kid: Why, I don't know what you're talking about.

Neo: Right, right.

Spoon Kid: …So, I should work in some necessary dialog.

Neo: It would probably be a good idea.

Spoon Kid: Can't sleep, then?

Neo: Bad dreams.

Spoon Kid: Of course.  And you haven't heard from the Oracle.

Neo: No… do you know where she is?

Spoon Kid: I don't.  But I believe she will contact you soon.  You're troubled because you're wondering what you are supposed to do.  Your purpose will become clear soon enough.

Neo: Yeah… thanks Spoon Kid.

Spoon Kid: Any time.

SCENE NO OWARI!


	2. Sidedish: Kid's Story

KID'S STORY

Scene: Dusty old room in an abandoned hotel.  Room number on door: 103.

Trinity: Oh that's clever.

NEO is sitting at a flat-screen computer, typing on some sort of DOS-like instant messenger service.  TRINITY is reclining in a chair nearby.

COMPUTER SCREEN:

KID: Somebody tell me why I keep having prophetic dreams of my death!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALICE_ONE: There is some fiction in your truth and some truth in your fiction.

Trinity: When did you learn to be cryptic?

Neo:  Hehehehehe.

COMPUTER SCREEN:

KID: Alice??????????????????? a/s/l?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ALICE_ONE: …………………..

Trinity: *snort*

Neo:  I have a bad feeling about this kid…

Trinity: Why?  You said yourself he was perfect for unplugging.

Neo: Ye-es… but he's giving me bad vibes!  Like…whoa, dude, that's most annoying.

Trinity: You're doing it again.

Neo: Sorry.

Trinity: So what if he's overenthusiastic?  I'm sure he can't be that much of a pain in person.

Neo: Yeah I guess…

SCENE CHANGE!: Boring classroom.  KID is scribbling names in his notebook and looking very sketchy while SENSEI drones on about something or other.

Sensei: Waah-wahh-wahh-wahh-waaahh.

Kid: *scribbles in notebook "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"* 

*phone rings*

SENSEI and CLASS all turn and stare at KID.

Kid: Uhh.. oops!!!!!!!!!  *turns phone off*  Sorry Mr. Sensei sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sensei: Mr. Sensei?  Baka.  No ringing phones in my class!

Kid: Yes Mr. Sensei sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It won't happen again Mr. Sensei sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SENSEI rolls eyes, sighs helplessly and turns back to the board.  No sooner has he resumed writing whatever on the board than the phone rings again.

Sensei: *FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUME*

Kid: I know I turned it off Mr. Sensei sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

SENSEI advances on KID with DOOM over his head.

Kid: *picks up phone*  Hello??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

Neo: (on phone) They know you know I know they know you know!

Kid: What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Keanu Reeves?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Neo: GET OUT!

Kid: *runs*

Sensei: RAAAAAAH!

KID gets really weird and sketchy looking as he grabs his skateboard out of his oddly-colored locker and takes off down the hall.

Random people: Ahh!

Kid: Sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KID skates into the girls' bathroom where he is pelted with purses and lipstick tubes.  He climbs out of the window and up a pipe to the roof, where there are a ridiculous number of AGENTS waiting to shoot him.

Kid: ACK!!!!!!  *loses balance and falls off the roof*  AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SCENE CHANGE!  Graveyard.  Mr. Popper… dead…. Oops.

Sensei:  Wahh-waah-wahh-waah-waah.

Dude: True dat.

SCENE CHANGE!  The Neb.  It's dark.  KID is lying on a table.  He has no hair or eyebrows.  There are two very obvious SHADOWED FIGURES standing over him.

Trinity: Wow, he actually survived.

Neo: Das crazy!

Trinity: Somehow the fact that you didn't catch him makes me nervous…

Kid: Neo.. you saaaved me…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: Whoa, easy on the punctuation, Kid.

Kid: I'm gonna follow you around aaaaaaaall the tiiiiiiiiime…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: …NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OWARI!


	3. Back to the Beginning

Dude, Where's My Spoon?

Re-directed today….Trinity Dream and beyond!

Mako: MEEP!

***

Pointless nonexistent intro monologue: Code…. It's green, it's full of numbers and Japanese characters, it goes up and down and all around.  But this, my friends, is code RELOADED!  Look how it sparkles.  It's preeeeeeeettiful, isn't it?  In this movie you will see more of the Matrix you have come to know and love, as well as some different stuff.  Some is good, some is bad… some is French and some is made of rubber.  But all you really need to know is, there is no spoon….  
  
CODE dissolves into CLOCK. AUDIENCE is puzzled. CLOCK strikes twelve.  
  
Security dude: See ya.  
  
Other security dude: Ciao.  
  
NEARBY BUILDING:  
  
Motorcycle: VROOOOOOOOOM!  
  
Hyperactive trumpets: dadadadadadada dadadada!! dadada!!  
  
TRINITY flies through the air on MOTORCYCLE, does insane backflip off of it and lands as the MOTORYCLE crashes into a building with a big KA-BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Security dude: Holy monkeys...  
  
Trinity: *removes helmet—(Audience: whoo it's Trinity hooray!) and kicks major security dude butt with pleather-tastic backflips and classic Matrix music*  
  
Audience: joy...  
  
Trinity: *picks up cell phone: reloaded*  I'm in.

*COOOOOOOOOOODE fades from Trinity to building that obsessees have seen in the trailer...*  
  
Audience members who are as obsessed as Mako (if there are any): OH NO!!!!!

It suddenly grows quiet…  
  
Trinity: *smashes through window, spins around and begins firing at an AGENT that jumps after her*  
  
Audience: MEEP! Bullet-time: reloaded!  She jumps through windows a lot…

Bullet-time, bullet-time, bullet-time…

ZOOM IN on AGENT as he fires….and hits TRINITY.

Audience: *GASP!!*

CLOSE UP of TRINITY, looking surprised and suddenly very real-world-ish because her hair is no longer gelled to her head*

TRUMPETS play DOOM music as TRINITY _SMASHES INTO A CAR_…

Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Audience: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!  Whoa… okay, it was just a..… really should have seen that coming, there… still…. Okay….PHEW…

Trinity: Whaa…?  Whasgoinon…?  *yawns*

Neo: Uhh.. uhm, nothing.. I just… woke up and… was thirsty and.. it… scared… me…

Trinity: ……

Neo: So uhh I'll just go get some water then…

Trinity: …Okay hon, you do that...  zzzzz…

Neo: *tip-toes over to door, opens it, looks back and bursts out crying before running off to the kitchen-place*

KITCHEN-PLACE:

Neo: *is sniffling miserably over a metal cup*

Trinity: *walks in*  What's wrong??

Neo: Uhmm nothing!  Nothing!

Trinity: *frowns*

Neo: Why are you up anyway?

Trinity: Apparently it's morning.  Or night or… whenever it is we wake up.

Neo: Oh.  You never can tell.

Trinity: Nope.  Sure you're okay?

Neo: Yeah.

Trinity: Okay…

LINK: *appears*  There you are.  It's that time again.

Neo and Trinity: *roll eyes*  Sure, LINK.

MYSTERIOUS MATRIX BASEMENT:

Niobe: These thingies confirm the transmissions from the Osiris.

Soren: What's that?

Ghost: Thaddeus and Jue were using the Construct to---

Niobe: *loudly*  The machines are DIGGING!  Squiddies are going to blow up Zion!

Various people: No…

Ice: How many are there?

Niobe: Take a look at the Osiris' scan things.

Binary: They can't be accurate!

Tirant: A quarter of a million squiddies?!

Dr .Evil: They have freakin' laser beams on their heads!!

Morpheus: WHY NOT?  A squiddie for every wrinkly old person, inadequately dressed young adult and bald child in the cave?  Sounds exactly like the thinking of a squiddie to me.

Niobe: You think the squiddies are planning this?

Mako: Nah I just like saying squiddie.

Morpheus: Nice to see you, Niobe.

Niobe: *wink*

Ghost: *waves*

Trinity: *waves*

Neo: …what was that??

Mako: THIS IS TURNING INTO CARDCAPTOR SAKURA!  MOVE ON!!!

Morpheus: *blah blah blah blah blah*

Neo: *looks around*

Trinity: What is it?

Morpheus: (in background) *…blah blah blah blah…*

Neo: …..Agent Smelrond……

Trinity: What?

Neo: *scratches head*  I… don't know… I mean… *looks confused*

Trinity: *raises eyebrow*

Morpheus:  *…blah blah blah blah blah…*

Neo: ….I better go check it out.  *glances suspiciously at Ghost before running off*

Morpheus: *…blah blah blah blah.*

Trinity: *shakes head*

Niobe: Do you have any idea what the heck you're saying?

Morpheus: ….no, no I don't.

Ballard: You're asking one of us to disobey a direct order!

Morpheus: …was I?  *scratches head*  It does sound like something I would do…

Dude in a suit: And what happens when Lock throws you in the slammer?

Morpheus: HA!  I'd like to see 'im try.

Ballard: Yeah alright so would I.  You have 36 hours.

UPSTAIRS:

Smelrond—I mean, Smith: Muahahaha.  *steps up to door and knocks loudly*

Wurm: *slides window slot open*  We don't want any.

Sme—Smith: I'm looking for… "Neo."  You see he set me free…..

Wurm: Never heard of him.

Smith: Just give him this... *shoves box through window slot in Wurm's face*

Wurm: Yo, watch the shades!  Now buzz off!  *slams window slot*

Neo: *appears*  Who was that?

Corrupt: Some suit, sir… said you set him free.

Neo: *ponders*

Wurm: Here, he gave you a present, sir.

Neo: Paper's not green… *opens it*

Corrupt: What is it, sir?

Neo: …gelatin Elf-ear tips?

Voice from other side of door: Oops, wrong box.  *window slot magically opens, another box drops through and the slot slams again*

Neo: People really like giving me presents.

Wurm and Corrupt: Yessir.

Neo: *opens box*  …Oh, crap.

Wurm and Corrupt: Sir?

Neo: Run away!  Run away!!

Wurm and Corrupt: …..

Neo: *sighs*  Agents.

Wurm and Corrupt: Oh.  Yessir!  *run off*

Agent Fluffy: *smashes door open* Raah!

Neo: You stole that line.  Not that I care but you did.

Agent Flowers: It's him.

Agent Potpourri: The systemic anomaly inherit to the programming of the Matrix.

Dr. Evil: Who do you think you are, the freakin' Architect?!

Agent Fluffy: He's only human.

Neo: Last guy who said that got shot in the head!

Mako: Ladies and gentlemen!  _ROB DOUGAN!!_  *cheers from the audience as Furious Angels plays and Neo starts kicking major Agent butt*

Dr. Evil: This kid is so freakin' cool!

Neo: *does awesome tricks in his super-cool Chinese cassock thing and disposes of the Agents fairly quickly*  That bit of action better last ya, folks.

Mako: I dunno, I like the beginning!  Well aside from that whole *AHEM!* thing…

Neo: *watches ominous newspaper blow across the street tumbleweed style*  Hmm… *does a cool pose and takes off skyward*

Audience: a la Keanu WHOA!!!

Smith: *walks up to where Neo was*  Muahahaharaaah.  Time to screw with Miiiiister Anderson… exactly like before.

Other Smith: Well, not exactly.

Smith: *smile*

Other Smith: *smile*

SKY:

Neo: *does the Superman Thang*

Audience: That's.. so… COOL!!!!

Neo: *stops to pose in front of the moon before zooming into the Oracle's apartment*

Jason Alexander on answering machine: _Believe it or not, the Oracle isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep…_

Neo: Where are you… *clinking noise* huh?  *lifts foot*  Lovely.  *picks up spoon and flies off*

OWARI!


	4. Dans le Chateau avec trop d'escargots

Dude, Where's My Spoon?

Before we start I'd like to say THANK YOU to all those who reviewed… you make me very happy  =D  If I don't get feedback I assume no one's reading it so there's really no point to continue… which means reviewers, you're the ones keeping the story going!  Thanks again!!

This chapter would've been up a lot sooner but Fanfiction.net was being annoying and not letting me upload it… grr.  Oh and here's my little chapter warning… to anyone who actually speaks French, I'm still learning so I'm probably going to make a lot of mistakes here… bear with me, will ya?

Re-directed today:  Dans le Chateau Mer…Merogvin…Mergovingininginisian… Dans le Chateau!  PART UN.

SCENE: Elevator at chez Mer….Mergo… chez French guy.

Morpheus: Lalalalala, elevators are fun.

Neo: But we've already gone by about 10 bombs on the way up here…

Trinity: …That's not good.

Neo: No, no it isn't.

*Elevator door opens and the super-cool trio walks into the restaurant lobby, passing a door with a very obvious number 101 on it*

Maitre d': Oui, vous desirez?

Morpheus: We're here to see the Mer.. the uh, the Mero…

Maitre d': *sighs*  Yes yes yes come wiss me.  'e 'as been expecting you.

Morpheus: Cool.

*They enter the restaurant and look around at all the fancy people wearing rubber and too much perfume and eating five-course lunches*

Neo: *watches Mer-man's lackeys drag some guy out*  Hey, wha…

Mer…you know who I mean: Ah, 'ere 'e is at last!  Neo, ze One 'imself, n'est-ce pas?

Neo: *uses rodent-like attention span powers* You talk funny.

Mer-man: And ze legendary Morpheus.  And Trinity of course, si belle qu'elle me fait souffrir.

Trinity: …run that by me again?

Mer-man: 'ave a seat, please!  Oh yes, zis is my wife, Persephone.

Persephone: Rowrr.

Neo: *scoots chair away slightly*

Morpheus: Does that make you lord of the underworld?

Mer-man: And you are ze God of sleep, non?

Morpheus: …yeah alright.

Mer-man: I sought so.  Escargots?

Neo: Um, no, thanks.

Mer-man: Anyone?  Anyone?

Morpheus and Trinity: …

Mer-man: 'mpf.  It is your loss.  *stuffs a handful in his mouth*

Neo: Eww…

Two abnormally pale identical dudes with blonde dread locks sitting at a corner table: *snicker*

Mer-man: So… you are 'ere for ze Keymaker.

Neo: How'd you know that?

Mer-man: A little snail told me.

Neo: Ugh…

Mer-man: But ze question is, do _you_ know why you are 'ere?

Neo: Yeah, you just said.  The Keymaker.

Mer-man:  But ze Keymaker 'imself is not a end, 'e is a means.  A means to do… what?

Neo: uhhh…

Mer-man: Aha, you see, you sink you know, but you do not!

Neo: No, there's a... a snail…

Mer-man: Quoi?  Ah!  *plucks snail off his ear and eats it*  Delicious.

Neo: Ewwwwwwww!!

Mer-man: You see, you came 'ere because ze Oracle told you to.  Cause and effect.  Causality is ze only real truss.

Morpheus: Eversing— I mean, everything begins with choice.

Mer-man: Non.  Wrong.  Zere is no choice.

Neo: No, see, it's "there is no sp—"

Mer-man: Choice is an eeluuusion created between zose wiss power and zose wissout.  Allow me to demonstrate.

Neo, Trinity and Morpheus: *expectant pause*

*a waiter comes in with a piece of cake*

Morpheus: …the director isn't cutting this out?

Mer-man: Look at zat woman, ze bleach-blonde over zere.  I 'ave sent 'er a very special dessert… I made it myself.

Persephone: *makes annoyed "'ere 'e goes again" face*

Bleach-blonde: *takes a bite of cake and makes a weird face*

Mer-man: She wonders, what is it?  Is it ze wine?  Non!  What is it zen, what is it about zis dessert…

Bleach-blonde: BEURK!!

N, T & M: Huh?

Bleach-blonde: *covers mouth and runs off in the direction of the bathroom*

Mer-man: Ahrnhrnhrn!  You see, cause and effect!  She tried my gâteau escargots, she 'ad to run to ze bassroom!  Alzo I still cannot see why… Tiens!  Serveur!  Donnez-moi ce morceau de gâteau, s'il vous plait.  Oui, là-bas.  Merci.  Mmm… *takes the plate from the waiter and shoves a huge chunk of cake in his mouth*

N, T & M: Uughh… *look about to be sick*

Mer-man: *through full mouth*  I shee no reashon to releashe sh'e Keymaker.  *swallows*  Run back to ze fortune-teller, and tell 'er she 'as been turned in to me!  Auhaunhrnhrnhrnhrn!  'er time is almost up.  *gets up*

N, T & M: WHOA!!!

Mer-man: *looks slightly distressed*  Zwhat??  What is it??

Neo: Hahahaha you guys said whoa…

Morpheus: You're _actually_ a _mermaid?!_

Mer-man: *turns slightly red and gives a high-pitched cough*  Mer_man!!_  I am a MerMAN!!

Derek Zoolander: *cough, cough*

Trinity: *laughing hysterically*  You have a TAIL!

Morpheus: HAHAHAHAHA!

Mer-man: *turns on his tail fin and attempts to storm off in a dignified manner while hopping lopsidedly*

Persephone:  Where are you going?

Mer-man: *grumbles*  I told you, ma chèrie, we are all victims of causality.  I ran out of escargots, I must go get some more.  Au revoir.

N, T & M: HAHAHAHAHA….

ELEVATOR:

Neo: *snort* Well that went well.

Trinity: *giggles*  He's a MERMAID…

Morpheus: Hehehehe… don't worry, know what happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way.

Neo: How do you know?

Morpheus: Because that was a flippin' cool quote just there!  Did you miss it or something?!

*elevator door opens to reveal Persephone, who is apparently also a mermaid.  Her tail seems to be composed of the same ridiculous rubber as her dress*

Persephone: If you want ze Keymaker, come wiss me.  *glances at tail fins and sighs*

Morpheus: What?

Persephone: Just mourning ze loss of my lovely silver pumps.  *hops off down the hall*

N, T & M: *follow, trying not to giggle too much*

Persephone: *hops through a door marked La Cuisine de les Legumes, bumps a chef away from a cutting board and begins chopping carrots viciously*  I am so sick and tired of 'is snails… on and on, ze voracious slob.  When we first came to zis place it was so different.  'e was so different.  *glances at Neo*  'e was like you.

Neo: Uh… how so?

Persephone: 'e didn't stuff 'is face wiss escargots every t'ree seconds!!

Neo: …oh.

Persephone: I'll give you ze Keymaker, but first you 'ave to do somesing for me.

Trinity: *growls*

Neo: What?

Persephone: You 'ave-a to make me a pizza-pie-a!

Trinity: EXCU—wait, what?

Persephone: Wiss no snails!  I cannot stand ze sings anymore!

Trinity: …well...yeah, alright, no objections.

Neo: Um.  Huddle!  *grabs Trinity and Morpheus and runs off into corner*

Persephone: *eats a carrot stick*

Trinity: What's up?

Neo: I can't cook!  I was a hacker for thirty years!  I never made anything but cup-o-noodle!

Morpheus: You do know you're not Japanese…

Neo: Whatever.

Persephone: *calls over to huddle*  Time is running out, mes petits chous!

Neo: …Did she just call me a shoe?

Trinity: Well let's just order a pizza then.

Morpheus: You would think she could do that herself…

Neo: *sticks head up*  Uh, Mrs. Merperson?

Persephone: A-oui?

Neo: Can I order a pizza?

Persephone: Non, dear, it must-a be fresh!  My 'usband, 'e does not understand Italian cuisine…

Neo: Um.  *ducks head down again*  Can you guys cook?

Morpheus: Duh, we were computer nerds too.  You're the One, can't you just change the code so it doesn't taste bad?

Neo: I dunno, I never tried!

Trinity: Well we'll help.  It can't come out that bad.

Neo: Okay… *breaks up huddle and walks back over to Persephone*  Can this be a group project?

Persephone: Zat is fine.  But 'urry up!

Neo: You're a weird lady…

15 MINUTES LATER…

Trinity: No, no—you have twirl it when you throw it—no, like this—

Morpheus: I know what I'm doing!

Neo: *is sitting on a stool watching and eating grated Parmesan cheese out of a bowl*  'ere, put some spin on it... yeah, that's the ticket.

Morpheus: *glare*

Neo: Whaaat, you told me to butt out!

Morpheus: You weren't helping!  And you're always on her side!

Neo: Yup!

Trinity: Look, just give it to me!  N—n— j'st—give—give it!

Morpheus: Cut it out!  I can do it—hey!

*pizza dough flies into the air, does a dramatic slow-mo pizza-time spin and lands square on Neo's head*

Neo: *muffled* …d'oh.

Trinity: I hope you're happy.

Morpheus: I didn't do it!!

Trinity: Psshh.  Whatever.  *takes pizza off Neo's head*

Neo: So… that didn't really work out, then.

Morpheus: Persephone's gonna come back any minute!  What are we supposed to do?!

Neo: Hmmm… *ponders*

Morpheus: *grabs the cheese bowl and stuffs a handful in his mouth, pouting*

Neo: *glares at a random spot in space*

Trinity: Um.

Neo: *keeps glaring at random spot until it gets green and code-y and a pizza appears floating in the air with a funny pop noise*

Trinity and Morpheus: WHOA!!

Neo: Hahahaha you said it again…

Trinity: How did you do that?!

Neo: I dunno.

Morpheus: Here she comes!

Persephone: *hops in*  Ah, ze pizza!  Bravo!  And now, to taste it… *pulls a large silver plate out of the nowhere pocket and grabs the pizza from out of thin air with it*  Slices already cut?  Impressive.  *takes a bite, pausing for dramatic music*  Mmmm… yes… zat's it… it 'as been so long since I tasted pizza wissout snails… Alright, follow me.  I will show you to ze Keymaker.

N, T & M: *hi-five*

Neo: Oh yeah, who can make good pizza!  w00t w00t!

OWARI!

Director's note: Whoa, I'm on a roll!  I shall be pleased if that was half as much fun to read as it was to write.  And please, if you read it, review!  Good or bad, I want to know what you think.  Look for part deux soon!  =D  À bientôt,

~Mako


	5. Fillin' in the gaps

Dude, Where's My Spoon?

Filling in some gaps…

SCENE ONE: Meet LINK.  Oh goody joy.

THE NEB:

Morpheus: Whee this thing is steered with joysticks!

LINK: Uh, sir, I think you should—

Morpheus: Shut up, LINK.

LINK: But sir, there's a bunch of squiddies—

Morpheus: I SAID SHUT UP!

LINK: …

Morpheus: *rolls eyes and sighs in exasperation* Look.. LINK…given your *air quotes* "situation", I can't say I fully understand your "reasons" for "volunteering" to "operate" onboard my "ship."

LINK: …are you saying this isn't a ship, or—

Morpheus:  However, if you wish to continue to stay here, you're going to have to learn to do one thing.

LINK: What's that, sir?

Morpheus: TALK TO THE HAND!

LINK: B—

Morpheus: *holds hand up* N'!

LINK: But I—

Morpheus: J'!

LINK: Tha—

Morpheus: Z'p!!

LINK: *sighs*  Yessir.

Morpheus: Shut up.  *lands the ship and sticks his tongue out at LINK*

***

SCENE(S) TWO: Arrival in Zion, city of caves and freaks and ghetto spoons.

THE NEB:

LINK: This is the Nebuchadnezzar requesting permission to land.

ZION CONTROL (extremely bright white after half an hour of Neb and night scenes):

Audience: AHH!  OUR EYES! OUR EYES!!  IT BLINDS!!!!

Random Zion lady: *rolls eyes*  Sure, LINK.  Stand by.

NEB:

LINK: *drums on consol*

Random Zion lady: Welcome home.

LINK: No place like it.

Mako: And what a shame that is.  *rolls eyes*

*Long dramatic scene of Zion machinery and various official people communicating as the ship lands, then the crew of the Neb gets off*

Morpheus: Captain Mifune.

Mifune: Yo.

Morpheus: Are you here to throw me in the slammer?

Mifune: Hahahano.

Lock's Lieutenant: COMMANDER LOCK DEMANDS—

Mifune: *ahim!*

Lieutenant: _Requests_…YOUR IMMEDIATE COUNSEL, _SIR!_

Morpheus: At ease, lieutenant.  I'll be right with you.  *sighs*  LINK… I want the ship charged ASAP.

LINK: Yessir.

Morpheus: *walks off with Lieutenant*

LINK: Always in a hurry… *walks off*

Neo: What's up with them?

Trinity: Morpheus and Lock?

Neo: *nod*

Trinity: Niobe.  She used to be with Morpheus, now she's with Lock.

Neo: Why?

Trinity: Morpheus went to the Oracle, stopped paying attention to Niobe… he's a bit obsessive, you know.

Neo: Well that was most unexcellent of him.

Trinity: *raises eyebrow*

Neo:  Er, sorry.

Kid: NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo and Trinity: ACK!!

Neo: Nooo… how does he always know?!  I suddenly have a headache…

Trinity: You know what they say about the life you save.

Neo: ………what _do_ they say?

Trinity:………uh, I don't know, I thought you knew.

Neo: No…

Kid: *runs up*  HIYA NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Trinity, LINK!!!!!!!!!!  It's great to have you back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LINK: *has apparently reappeared*  Hey Kid.

Neo: *mumbles*  Let's get out of here… *grabs bag*

Kid: Can I carry that for you Neo?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Neo: No, no need for that…

Kid: Trinity????????????

Trinity: I'm fine, Kid.

LINK: *dumps a bunch of bags on Kid*  You can carry these.

Kid: *muffled*  Sure…LINK…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*they walk off, Kid running to keep up*

Kid: Hey you know next year I'm old enough to join a ship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I've been thinking about it and I've decided to join up with you, Neo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: *sob*  Nooo…

Trinity: *sweatdrop*

Kid: I mean after all you got me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaved me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU'RE MY HEEEEEEEEEROOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: I told you Kid I didn't save you!  You saved yourself!

LOCK'S OFFICE:

Morpheus: Lock.

Lock: Morpheus.

*long pause for glaring contest*

Lock: *sigh*  You disobeyed me, Captain.

Morpheus: Your point?

Lock: If we're going to save Zion I need Captains to obey my orders!

Morpheus: There is only one way to save our city…  Neo.

Lock: STOP SAYING THAT!

Morpheus: Whaaaat, it's true!

Lock: Just SHUT UP!  You're giving me a headache!

Morpheus: You're the one who's yelling!

Lock: I AM NOT!!!!!!

Hamann: *walks in*  Boys, boys, please!  Calm down!

Morpheus and Lock: *mumble*  Yes Councilor…

Hamann: Now, there's a gathering tonight.

Morpheus:  Oooh goody!!

Hamann: The council has asked me to speak, but nobody wants to listen to me.  I'm an old man!  Hahahaha.  So I'll trade off with you, Morpheus.

Morpheus: Cool!

Lock: *scowl*

Hamann: People are getting suspicious, what with all the rumors about squiddies and the presence of the fleet.  We need to address this.

Lock: Ye-es… but don't tell them the truth, they'll freak out.

Hamann: What do you think, Captain?

Morpheus: Tell them the truth!  The worst they'll do is start dancing.

Hamann: This is true.

Morpheus: *sticks tongue out at Lock*

Lock: Grrr…

YET ANOTHER ELEVATOR:

Kid: There are RUMORS about SQUIDDIES and BAD THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What's going on?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!

Neo: Lay off the foreshadowing.  It's irritating.

LINK: We're not allowed to say anything anyway.

*elevator stops and door opens*

LINK: Welp, time for me to go be pointless elsewhere.  Coming, Kid?

Kid: Nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: Hey, wait a second—

Kid: Script says I stay here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trinity: …we have a script?

Neo: Apparently everyone knows about it but us.  It's starting to get on my nerves.

LINK: Hey don't ask me.  *shrug*  Well.. see ya later then.

Neo:  Uuuuuuugh….

*elevator doors close and the awkward pause begins*

Trinity: Wow... I never knew Zion had elevator music.

*pause*

Kid: *smiling like an idiot*

*pause*

Neo: Are you gonna go away any time soon?

Kid: Nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: Grr.

*pause*

*elevator stops and door opens, to reveal a hundred old Zion people with presents for Neo*

Neo: Um.

Trinity: …

Kid: *makes himself scarce*

Neo: Oh sure, RUN AWAY NOW, KID!!

Old Zion Lady: Please Neo, I have a son Jacob on the Gnosis and everyone thinks he's weird because he has a normal name.  Please, watch over him.

Neo: I'll—uh, try… 

Trinity: Poor Neo.  *goes to leave*

Neo: Waaaaiiiit…

Trinity: I'll be back later.

Neo: *whines*

Trinity: Humor them, please?

Neo: Okay…

Trinity: Thank you.  *leaves*

Another old lady with the exact same voice: I have a daughter on the Icarus.

Neo: Uh huh…

ZEE'S ROOM-THING:

LINK: *walks in*  Where's m—mmff!!  *is tackled by a flying Mako*

Mako: YOU SHUT UP!!! *duct tapes LINK's mouth*  NOT IN MY KITCHEN, MISTER!  HMPF!  *kicks LINK and storms off*

Little kids: …………………………………

Cass: Uh, come on kids, we should go.

*Cass and kids walk out, glancing nervously at LINK*

Zee: *gets up and stands over the twitching, duct-taped LINK*  You never come home, loser!  Both my brothers are DEAD!

Audience:…..**_WHAT?!?!_**

Mako: **_TANK IS NOT DEEEEEAAAAAAD!!_**

Zee: I don't care if you *air quotes* "promised Dozer you'd take his place in the event of his death by a murderous psychotic crew member."  If he thought that for some completely unimaginable reason I would actually LIKE you he wouldn't have sent you off to bother his friends!!

LINK: *twitch*  Mff…

Zee: Word.

INSERT CHAPTER ONE HERE.  Hahahaha moving on.

***

SCENE THREE: Watch Titanic much?

Neo: *yells from bathroom*  Honey, have you seen my hair gel?

Trinity: *yells back*  No dear, you're out, remember?

Neo: …oh.  Dangit!  How am I supposed to do that cool kick-up thing?!

Trinity: Oh!  Almost forgot.  Come here for a sec, would you?

Neo: *appears, with fuzzy hair*

Trinity: Hehehe… Here, I have a line to get in.  You gonna tell me what's bothering you yet?

Neo: Umm… uhh… *looks sad*

Trinity: That's okay.  *grabs Neo's hand*  Just don't forget, I'll never let go.

Neo: *sniff sniff*  That's a… *sniff*  good line…

Trinity: Thank James Cameron.

*glompage*

James Cameron: ….I'm the king of the world!

***

SCENE FOUR: Neo's bad dream (No. 2)

THE MATRIX: BANE and MALACHI drop through a skylight holding some random package (possibly from the Osiris ––probably not but hey maybe they got it from Niobe— but how the heck would I know I haven't finished the game.)

Bane: Okay there?

Malachi: Did you see that Smelrond?!

Bane: …what?

Malachi: *looks confused*  I.. uh.. I mean… the.. Agent… *scratches head*

Bane: …..Whatever.  The only thing that matters is this most mysterious package I'm carrying.  You first.

BANE picks up ringing phone and hands it to MALACHI.  MALACHI gets all code-y and disappears.  Just then, SMITH appears standing ominously in the skylight.

Smith: *drops through*  Well hello, Miiiiister Somebody.

SMITH punches BANE in the stomach.  BANE wheezes, gets all silvery and with a poof of smoke turns into a SMEL—a SMITH.  SMITH ONE adjusts OTHER SMITH's tie.

Other Smith: Thank you.

Smith: My pleasure.

SMITHS exchange smiles, OTHER SMITH raises a possessed eyebrow and picks up ringing phone, goes all code-y and disappears*

OWARI!!

Director's note: Now that the fillers are done, I'll get cracking on To The Oracle! which is already nearly complete, then go back to Le Chateau Part Deux, also already nearly complete, and I will have parodied the ENTIRE FIRST HALF OF THE MOVIE!  w0000000000000000000t!  Summer's coming up, so if I'm feeling ambitious I'll put all the scenes in order and post them that way.  Thanks again to my lovely reviewers, even if 8 of my 20 reviews refuse to show up on my review page, I get the e-mails so I read 'em.  Thanks bunches, you make me happy!  =D  Till next time, this is your redirector, signing off.

~Mako


	6. Goin' to see the Oracle!

Dude, Where's My Spoon?

Goin' to see the Oracle!  Hooray, hooray!

RANDOM ZION HALLWAY:

Ballard: *knocks*

Trinity: *opens door*  Hey there.

Ballard: Neo in?

Neo: *appears*  Yo.

Ballard: *hands Neo a computer chip thingy*  It's from the Oracle.

Neo:  Whoa…

ZEE'S ROOM-THING:

LINK: Yup, time to go be the Operator!

Zee: Yeah, I got that.  *hands LINK a funny necklace thingy*  

LINK: Zee—

Zee:  I want you to wear it.

LINK: Nothing's going to happen to me!

Zee: Are you kidding?!  Your very existence is due to a massive, gaping plothole!  The director hates your guts!  Your name is constantly capitalized to emphasize the fact that you are a nothing more rather weak fabrication of the Wachowskis' ordinarily ingenious imaginations whose only purpose is to cover up their inability to cast Marcus Chong in the sequel!  *breath*  People roll their eyes whenever you talk because the very fact that you are in this movie annoys them!  AND YOU'RE NAMED AFTER THE MAIN CHARACTER IN ZELDA!!  I'm surprised there haven't been a thousand attempts on your life already!!  

LINK: …..*grabs necklace*  Got any more of this good luck stuff?

OUTSIDE THE NEB:

Smith-Bane: *is standing behind some machinery, painting his nails*  So this is what humans do… oh here comes Miiiiiiiister Anderson.  Muahahahahahaharaaah!  This will be fun.  *walks up behind Neo and the crew, ready to chuck the nail polish bottle at his head*

Kid: NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neb crew: *jump*

Neo: GEEZ what does he want now?!  *turns around*  Ki—…oh.  Something wrong Bane?

Smith-Bane: *snaps fingers and grumbles*  Raah, foiled again!  Err… No… just wanted to wish you good luck…. *grumble grumble*

Neo: Oh, thanks.  *shakes Bane's hand*  Dude… did you paint your nails??

Smith-bane: Uh, we'll see you.  *runs off*

Neo: We?  …. Hm.  I think he's turning into Gollum.

Trinity: …who?

Neo: *scratches head*  Did I say… something?  I mean……..what?  *looks confused*

Trinity: Oookaay….

Kid: *runs up* NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have a present for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: *groans*

Kid: It's from the Councilor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: ….sure it's not from the director?

Kid: Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He made me promise to get it to you before you left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neo: Alright… *takes a random red piece of cloth from Kid and rolls eyes*  Gee, I wonder what it could be. *unrolls it*  What… there's nothing in here!  Dude, where's my spoon?!

Kid: Dude, where's your spoon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Neo: Dude, where's my spoon?!

Kid: Dude, where's your spoon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Neo: Dude, where's my spoon?!

Kid: Dude, where's your spoon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Neo: Dude, where's my spoon?!

Kid: Dude, where's your spoon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Neo: ….oh wait, there's a note.

Note: You see, I could have put it in here, but that would be entirely defeating the purpose, now wouldn't it?

Mako and audience: **_THERE IS NO SPOON!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!_**

Neo: *shakes head* Heh. That Spoon Kid's pretty good.  Thanks.  *gets on the elevator with the rest of the Neb crew*

THE NEB:

Trinity: …what the heck was that?!

Neo: It's uh… a long story…

LINK: Hey, looks like someone left us a message.

Morpheus: What?

LINK: Someone contacted the ship while we were gone.  It says the name is "A.U."  Wants you to meet with him at this location.

Neo: You think that's safe?

Morpheus: Ask the Oracle about it.  Right now you have to go, she could be waiting.

Neo: Okay.  *sits in chair*

Trinity: Have fun.

Neo: Hahaha, thanks.

Trinity: *jacks Neo in*

MATRIX: A hustling bustling little Chinatown.  This miniscule scene is one of the most cinematically artistic moments in the movie.  It lasts fifteen minutes.

Neo: Darnit… it said make a LEFT!  Where the heck am I?!  

*cell phone rings*

Neo: *picks up*  Hello?

Trinity: (on phone) It's right behind you, dear.

Neo: *turns around*  ….oh.  Thanks.

Trinity: Any time.  *click*

Neo: *opens a door and finds himself in a Japanese-style teahouse, opposite an Asian man wearing sunglasses and sitting cross-legged on a table drinking tea.  His code is gold.*  Whoa… hey, dude.

Seraph: *sets his teacup down and stands up, bowing*  Ara.  Neo-san, ne?  Yoroshiku.  I am Seraph.  You seek te Orakuru.

Neo: The what?

Seraph: Te Orakuru.  I can take you to her.  But first, I must aporogize.

Neo: For what?

Seraph: For tis.  *goes karate on Neo*

Neo: Whoa!  *goes kung-fu*

Mako and various audience members: **_YEA!!!_**

****

Mako: I LOVE THIS PART!!!!

Neo: *ducks and blocks and flips and looks incredibly cool*

Seraph: *looks kinda like a monkey when he fights but is still also very very cool*

*They flip up onto a table, jump around a lot and do lots of cool footwork tricks, and knock a bowl of chopsticks off the table.  Neo does a flip and goes on the offensive, nearly knocks Seraph backwards, then blocks another punch, flying backwards and bouncing off the wall before doing a little dance thing*

Neo: I AM NOT DANCING!

Mako: Psshh.

Seraph: *puts hand up*  O-ke.

Neo: *looks confused*

Seraph: Te Orakuru has man'y'enemies.  I had to be sure.

Neo: Of what?

Seraph: Tat you are ta One.

Neo: *makes a Ted face*  You could've just asked.

Mako: HEE-HEE!  Neo, you're cute.

Trinity: Yo, butt out!  You're not in this scene!  …You're not in any of them!

Mako: But this is my favorite paaa-aaaart!

Neo: *raises eyebrow*

Seraph: Ano… where are tese voices coming from?

Neo: I stopped asking a long time ago.  Shall we?

Seraph: Ah... yes.  Forrow me.  *opens door to a blindingly white hallway lined with green doors*

Neo:  ….whoa.

Seraph: *closes door behind them*

NEB:

LINK: Where'd they go?!

Morpheus: Lost them?  Nice one.

LINK: But—

Morpheus: Pshh! Talk to the hand!

RANDOM HALLWAY:

Neo: Heeey… these are back doors.  Programmer access.

Seraph: You're smarter tan you rook.

Neo: I'll just ignore that because I don't know if it's a compliment or an insult.  How do they work?

Seraph: Ta code is hidden in tumbrers. One posission opens a rock. Another posission opens one of tese doors.

Neo: Wow, you have the coolest accent ever.

Seraph: I know.

Neo: Are you a programmer or a program?

Seraph: I protect tat which matters most.  *unlocks and opens a door, motioning Neo through*

Neo: You didn't answer my question.

Seraph: You say tat rater.  Go see Orakuru now.  *pushes Neo through door*

Neo: *stumbles into a graffiti-covered basketball court or something, where the Oracle is sitting on a bench feeding crows*  Whoa…

Oracle: Well come on over here where I can see ya!  I ain't gonna bite… hard.  *chuckle*

Neo: *walks over and removes sunglasses*

Oracle: Myy-yy goodness, look at you!  You turned out alright, didn't you?  I can't for the life of me see why those Twin things have more fangirls.

Neo: …what?

Oracle: How do you feel?

Neo: I uhh—

Oracle: I know you're not sleeping.  And you hate foreshadowing, but you'll have to put up with it for about five minutes, kiddo.  Why don't you have a seat this time.

Neo: …maybe I'll stand.

Oracle: Planning on flying off, Superman?  Mm?  Well, suit yourself.

Neo: …..*sits* ……I felt like sitting.

Mako: HEE-HEE!

Off-screen characters: Shut up!

Oracle: So, let's get the obvious stuff over with.

Neo: You're a program.  *looks at Seraph standing off in a corner*  So is he.

Oracle: Well it's tough to get any more obvious than that.  Keep going.

Neo: But that means you're a part of the machine world, you could be just another form of control.  So the question is… how can I trust you?

Oracle: Bingo.  It is a pickle, no doubt about it.  The bad news is you can't really know whether I'm here to help you or not.  You'll just have to make up your own d—darn mind.  *digs around in her purse*

Neo: Wait, _that's_ the bad news?  Really?

Oracle: No.  Candy?

Neo: …d'you already know if I'm going to take it?

Oracle: Of course.

Neo: So why bother asking?

*pause*

Oracle: …no, you're supposed to say "how can I make a choice?"  Come on kiddo, don't you have the script?

Neo: Uh, no…

Oracle: …Ah, well… I can see how that would be a problem.  Just, say your line, then…

Neo: Oh. Uh.  Then how can I make a choice?

Oracle: You didn't come here to make the choice, you already made it.  You're here to understand why you made it.

Neo: Because… I… like candy?

Oracle: Bingo.  *hands Neo candy*  Thought you would've figured that out already.

Neo: Or maybe it's because all I ever get to eat is gloop…

Oracle: I think you're overanalyzing it, Neo.

Neo: Or maybe it goes back to that time when I was a kid growing up in the Matrix and that bully Russel Brusselfoot stuck a pineapple in my ear—

Oracle: OKAY, time to move on!

Neo: …sorry.  *looks at candy*  ….why are you here?

Oracle: Well I'm pretty sure it's not the same reason you are.

Neo: But why are you helping us?

Oracle: We're all here to do what we're all here to do.  I'm here to give slightly cryptic advice and hand out yummy treats.

Neo: Are there other programs like you?

Oracle: Well, lots of people's grandmothers… oh, programs.  No, not like me, but… look, see those birds?  There's a program that controls them, there's a program for the trees and the wind and the tides and the seasons.  There's a program that makes sure weathermen are always wrong and a program that makes VCRs impossible to work, there's a program that makes ice cream melt and marshmallow peeps get stale.  There's even a program that spits out little pudgy ingenious directors to create the next blockbuster movie.  There's programs running all over the place.  The programs that are doing what they're meant to do are invisible, you'd never even know they're there.  But the other ones… well, you hear about them all the time.

Neo: I've never heard of them.

Oracle: Oh of course you have.  Aliens, werewolves, ghosts, vampires, angels, mermaids, traffic cones—

Neo: Traffic cones?

Oracle: Don't ask.  They're all the system assimilating some program that's doing something they're not supposed to be doing.

Neo: Programs hacking programs.

Oracle: You could say that…

Neo: Why?

Oracle: Oh, they have their reasons.  Usually a program skeedadles and hides out in the Matrix when it faces deletion.

Neo: And why would a program be deleted?

Oracle: Why does Bill Gates keep making new versions of Microsoft?

Neo: ………Bill Gates is a program?!

Oracle: Well, yes, but that's beside the point.  Maybe a program breaks down, maybe a better one is created to replace it.  And then what happens to all those programs that aren't Y2K compatible?

Neo: I see what you mean.  …..What a load of crap that was.

Oracle: Tell me about it!  Nobody listened to me, they all just stuffed their basements with cans of beans and bags of rice, as if that would have helped anything.

Neo: …what kind of beans?

Oracle: What?  I don't know, why?

Neo: …er… *looks confused* never mind… I don't know why I asked.

Oracle: *gives Neo a weird look before continuing*  Anyway, when a program faces deletion it can become an exile and hide out here or it can return to the Source.

Neo: The machine mainframe.

Oracle: How do you know this stuff?  …Yeah.  Where you must go.  Where the path of the one ends.

Neo: I don't like the sound of that.

Oracle: You've seen it in your dreams, haven't you?

Neo: Nooo, don't go there…

Oracle: The door made of light… 

Neo: *whimper*

Oracle: what happens when you go through the door?

Neo: …meep.

Oracle: Come on…

Neo: I said don't talk about it!  You already know anyway!  *sniff*

Oracle: Oh, now don't start the waterworks on me… *digs in her purse and produces a tissue box*

Neo: *grabs a tissue and sniffs loudly*

Oracle: You have the sight now, Neo.  You are looking at the world without time.  You can't see what happens to her—

Neo: wahh!!

Oracle: —because we can never see past the choices we don't understand.

Neo: What are you talking about?!  There was a *sniff* car, and, and—

Oracle: Oh, that was just a special effect thrown in to freak out the audience.

Neo: WELL THANKS FOR TELLING ME!!

Oracle: In any case, you missed something important I said back there.

Neo: …ch—*sniff* choice?

Oracle: Yes, since you're too busy blubbering to ask, you do have to decide whether Trinity lives or dies, because you're the One.

Neo: *sobs*  Nooo!  I dun wanna be the One!!

Oracle: But really you've already made the choice, now you have to understand it.

Neo: waaaah…

Oracle: Okay, okay, calm down.  We still have some important stuff to discuss.

Neo: mih…*blows nose*

Oracle: Alright now kiddo?

Neo: *nods*

Oracle: Okay.  Just stay with me for a few more minutes here.  Was there something you wanted to ask me about?

Neo: *sniffle*  Um… oh.  Someone left a message on the ship, the name was "A.U."  *sniff*  Wanted us to meet with him.

Oracle: And what do you think about that?

Neo: Well it might be dangerous, a trap or something… so Morpheus told me to ask you about it.

Oracle: Mm-hmm.  Well, meeting with dangerous people seems to be an inevitable part of your future, and I don't see that this should be any worse than the rest.  Go, see what you can find out.

Neo: Okay.

Oracle: But first, there's someone else you need to pay a visit to.  A very powerful program.  He has kidnapped another exile, the Keymaker, and he will not let him go willingly.  You need to retrieve the Keymaker in order to get to the Source.

Neo: Meep… what's his name?

Oracle: Oh, you had to ask.  It's the… the Mer… the Mero…well it's written down here.  *hands Neo a piece of paper*  Be there or be square.

Seraph: *sidles up and taps the Oracle on the shoulder*  Me must go.

Oracle: *smiles*  Our time is up.  Seems like all I've ever got for you is bad news.  

Neo: Shyeah…

Oracle:  I'm sorry about that, I surely am.  I know you still don't really believe fate can't be changed.  Keep that up, it seems to work for you.  And for what it's worth, you've made a believer out of me.  Good luck kiddo.

Neo: Bye…

Seraph: *opens the door, follows the Oracle through and bows to Neo before closing it*

OWARI!

Director's note: Yes, I know… "No burly brawl?!?!"  Don't worry, it's coming.  Man am I gonna have fun with that… XD  But I wanted to get this chapter up ASAP so I could get my chronological order version going.  A little reminder: If you read it, review it!  I don't care if you just want to say it's crap (although I'd appreciate if you worded it a bit more nicely…) but I just want to know what you think.  And, you know, that people are reading it at all.  Tomorrow's my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL so expect the next update soon!  Till next time,

~Mako


	7. The Burly Brawl! RAH!

Dude, Where's My Spoon?

THE BURLY BRAWL!!  Whee this is gonna be fun… and no, sorry if this disappoints anyone (0.o;;;;) but it will MOST DEFINITELY NOT be slashy.  Ack.  But it _will_ be extremely silly, so…I hope that, uh, makes up for it…?

THE BASKETBALL COURT THING:

Neo: *is reading the graffiti all over the walls out of sheer boredom*  Whoa… "One"… "one"… "one"… "Neo"… ha!

Crows: Kkaack!  Caw caw caw!  *scatter in slow motion*  Cacaw!  (Translation: Fly away!! Fly away!!  That man's eyebrows are possessed!)

Smith: *appears*  Muahahahahharaah.  Miiiiiiiisssster Aaannndersonn…..

Neo: What the… _YOU!!_

Smith: Yes, me!  Me, me, me…

Neo: You say that line later.

Smith: W— how do you know?

Neo: *holds up a copy of the script*

Smith: Where did you get that?!

Neo: Nowhere pocket.

Smith: They were supposed to keep that away from you!!

Neo: Why?  *flips to the end and reads*  W..w… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

Smith: *smacks his scary large forehead*  That's why.

Neo: *collapses and begins sobbing hysterically and bashing the script on the ground, scattering and ripping pages*

Smith: *looks uncomfortable*  Pull yourself together, man!

Neo: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

Smith: Er, uh… *goes evil Agent-y* RAH!

Neo: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!  *sobs*

Smith: *grabs the script and whaps Neo over the head with it*

Neo: *….thud*  ……Thank you, I needed that.

Smith: Uh, no problem.  …how did you just fall over if you were already on the ground…?

Neo: It would be wise not to ask that question at this point.

Smith: Uh, right.  Shall we, uh, just start over then?

Neo: That sounds like a good idea.

Smith: Yes, right.

Neo: Oh, and… more insane this time.

Smith: Right.  And you… more… stoic.

Neo: I'm on it.

Smith: ….right.  

Mako: *a la Monty Python in the total eclipse of the sun*  START AGAIN.

Smith: *walks off and comes back*

Crows: Caw, caw.

Smith: Miiiiiiiiiiiister Andersssoonn! …Muahahahahahhaharaah.

Neo: "…"

Smith: Surprised to see me?

Neo: Dude, every other word out of my mouth is "whoa."  EVERYTHING surprises me.

Smith: Fair enough.  Get my package?

Neo: Which one?

Smith: *glares, making full use of his frightening possessed eyebrows*  The one with the ear piece.

Neo: Oh.  Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh yes.

Smith: Well good.

Neo: What was the point of that anyway?

Smith: FORESHADOWING, Miiissster Anderson.

Neo: _I KNEW IT!!_

Smith: Shut up, I have a speech to make.  We have a CONNECTION, Misster Anderson, I don't know how or why but that is at this point IRRELEVANT.  All that matters is that there IS a reason for it.

Neo: What's that?

Smith: I KILLED you, Misssster Anderson, I watched you die.  It was funny.

Neo: Dude, that was MOST unexcellent.

Trinity: *ahem*

Neo: Sorry.

Smith: …… *looks around, confused*

Neo: You were saying?

Smith: Er. Yes… *shakes head*  Anyway, then something that I knew was impossible happened…

Neo: I blew you up!!  *looks extremely pleased with himself*

Smith: *GLARE*  YES, Miiissster Anderson, you did.

Neo: So we're even then, right?  You killed me, I killed you, but we're both still obviously alive… funny how that works out, isn't it?

Smith: Er…

Neo: So can I just go home now, 'cause—

Smith: SHUT UP, Missster Anderson, I'm not done with my speech.

Neo: And about that "Mr. Anderson" thing.  You KNOW my name's Neo!  You don't call Morpheus by his Matrix name… whatever that is…

Smith: Just SHUT UP!!

Neo: And at first I thought that was just a sign of respect since he's like really important to the resistance and stuff even if you hate him but come on I'm the freakin' ONE _and_ I blew you up so can't you just call me Neo?!  I mean—

Smith: **_I SAID SHUT UP!!!_**

Neo: Geez, take a chill pill!

Smith: *FUME* _RAAAAAAAAAH!_

Neo: Meep!

Smith: NOW.  Where was I…

Neo: Let's see. *pulls out the script*

Smith: NO!!  *grabs it*

Neo: Heyyy!

Smith: _MISTER ANDERSON!!_  You are the most OBNOXIOUS human I have ever had the misfortune to encounter!

Neo: Obviously you don't know the Kid.

Smith: **_CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR TWO SECONDS AND LET ME FINISH MY SPEECH?!?!_**

Neo: …maaaaaybeeee….

Smith: **_RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_**

Neo: MEEP!!

Smith: That's BETTER!  NOW!  After you destroyed me—

Neo: —you mean blew you up—

Smith: —I said SHUT UP!!  After you destroyed me I was compelled to stay and disobey and do other things that rhyme and make me twitch strangely when I say them.

Neo: "…"

Smith: So, thanks to you, I am no longer an Agent of this system, I'm *points jerkily to a pointy ear* _unplugged_, a new…_"man"_ like you, _apparently_ free!  *twitches*

Neo: …congratulations.

Smith:  Thank you.

Mako: *snicker*

Off-screen characters: Shut up!

*pause*

Smith: *looks confused*

Neo: …So really you owe ME one—

Smith: NOT SO FAST, Miiiiisssster Anderson.  As you well know, appearances can be deceiving.  We're not here because we're free, we're here because we're not free, we're *twitch* all *twitch*  bound by *twitch* purpose—*spazzes out*

Neo: 0.o;

Other Smith: *appears out of nowhere to take over for the spastic Smith # 1* It is purpose that created us.

Other Other Smith: Purpose that connects us.

Other Other Other Smith: Purpose that pulls us.

Other Other Other Other Smith: That guides us.

Other Other Other Other Other Smith: That drives us.

Other Other Other Other Other Other Smith: It I purpose that defines us.

Other Other Other Other Other Other Other Smith: Purpose that binds us.

Neo: 0.o;

Smiths: *twitch*

Smith # 1: *cracks neck and stops spazzing*  And without further ado, we shall proceed to take from you, what you tried to take from us- PURPOSE!  *punches Neo in the stomach*

Neo: MEEP! *begins to turn all silveryish*

Smith: Yes, you see, you shall soon be ME!

Neo: No… must… stop… the rhyming… *silvery stuff begins to recede*

Smiths: *raise scary possessed eyebrows*

Neo: *kicks Smith into next week*

Other Smiths: RAAAH!!  GET HIM!!

*cue funny music*

Neo: *begins kicking some Smelrond butt*

Smiths: RAAAAAAAAAH!!

Neo: *grabs a Smith and chucks him at some other ones, bowling them over*  STRIKE!  HA-HA!  GAK!  *is hit by a flying Smith and sent crashing into a bench*

Smith: HA-ha!

Neo: Grrrr… *does a cool long-distance flip thing and lands in a clear area, then begins knocking Smiths out left and right as they come at him, occasionally using one as a bowling ball*

Smiths: RAAAHH!!

Neo: This is getting redundant.  *flips and kicks and bowls*

A random Smith: *jumps out of nowhere and kicks Neo into the wall, making the top layer of brick crack and crumble off (a Matrix image almost as popular as falling shells and elevators)*

Neo: Owwie!  *jumps back up and rips a random metal pole out of the ground*

Smiths: …

Neo: *breaks off the chunk of cement on the end by smashing it into a Smith*

Smiths: ..uh-oh.

Neo: *twirls the pole around as funny dramatic music plays*

Smiths: ….RAH!  *run at Neo*

Neo: *whaps a few Smiths into next week with a metallic THUNK that borders on hilarious and disgusting, then spins into the air and goes into major slow-mo mode before landing and resuming his super-cool Smith whacking*

A random Smith: *is smashed into a wall*  …..*looks up* More…..

Mako: HAHAHAHAHAHA—

Off-screen characters: Shut up!!

Neo: *sends a couple Smiths flying, then does a crazy spinning limbo thing and knocks out every Smith in a four-foot radius*  Wow, this is repetitive AND cool AND funny!  *begins jumping around on the heads of the sea of Smiths*  Hahahaha…

A random Smith: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!  *is tossed out of the mob by a couple other Smiths and goes flying into Neo, knocking him on the ground*

Smiths: DOGPILE!!!!!!!!!  *jump on Neo and pile up 15 feet high*

Neo: Urgh…

A random Smith: A wet willie, Misssterr T— *is whapped by another Smith*

Neo: What the…

Other Smiths: Idiot.

Another random Smith: *gets Neo in a headlock, not very difficult considering the circumstances*  It is... INEVITABLE…

Neo: That sounds like…. foreshadowing….!

NEB:

Morpheus and LINK: *bite nails*

Trinity: What are you sitting around there for?!  GET OUT!

MATRIX:

Neo: …right.  EEEEERRRRRRRRAH!  *sends the Smiths flying in slow motion*

Smiths: *scary deep slow-mo voices*  Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Neo: Ack it's raining Smelronds!  I mean… whatever!  *chucks a Smith that was clinging to his cassock thing, poses quickly and takes off- _whoosh_*

Smiths: *get up slowly, stand around looking at the sky, then begin to twitch, crack their necks, glare at nothing and appear irritated, angry or slightly embarrassed before shuffling off to do who knows what*

NEB:

Neo: *is unplugged*  Eek!

Trinity: Okay there?

Neo: Uh huh… *rubs head*

Morpheus: That was Smith!

Neo: Naw…

Morpheus: Now there's more than one of them?

Neo: Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious.

Morpheus: No need to get snappy about it.

Neo: Sorry… just, he almost killed me AGAIN…and he's… found a way to copy himself…

Morpheus: …and that's bad.

Neo: Now you're just insulting my intelligence.

Morpheus: Well soooor-ry!

LINK: Come on guys, don't fight…

Morpheus and Neo: *glare*

LINK: Er.

Morpheus and Neo: Shut up, LINK.

LINK: Yessirs.

Neo:…anyway.  The Oracle gave me a piece of paper but I can't exactly keep that in the real world, now can I?

Morpheus: No…

Neo: Oh wait, I forgot.  *produces a piece of paper with a name and address on it*

Morpheus, Trinity and LINK: …..

Neo: Nowhere pocket.

Morpheus, Trinity and LINK: Ah.

Neo: Shall we?

Morpheus: Yis.

OWARI!

Director's Note: HEHE!  I enjoyed that, hope you did too.  And what I learned from this chapter… never say "expect the next update soon" because even if you've been cranking out a chapter a day before that as soon as you give yourself some sort of time frame, no matter how vague, it'll take you two weeks to get the next one up.  Or at least that's how it works for me.  So here's the plan for continuing the story- I have only to finish the second part of Le Chateau and then I will be done with the entire first half of the movie!!  w000000t!  I'll post that scene here, then I'll post the entire first half in chronological order under a slightly different title.  After that, scenes from the second half will be posted here as they're written, and when it's allll finally said and done, the chronological second half will be posted as chapter two of the other story.  Sound good to you guys?  =D  And as always, if you read, review!  Thanks!  Till next time,

~Mako


	8. Dans le Chateau: Part Deux

Dude, Where's My Spoon?

Le Chateau… Part Deux!

SCENE: A random room in Chateau Mero.  There are a couple of dudes in suits who are not-so-secretly werewolves reclining on the couches, watching the Fellowship of the Ring on a wide screen TV.

Persephone: *hops in, followed by the super-cool trio*

Werewolves: *jump up looking distressed*

Persephone: 'ees alright boys, zey're wiss me.  Zese are my 'usband's 'ighest ranking lackeys.  Zey do 'is dirty work.  Zey're very guud.  N'est-ce pas?

Werewolves:  …Oui, Madame…

Persephone: Zey come from a much older version of ze Matrix.  I don't know why 'e keeps zem, ozzer zan zey are very 'ard to get rid of.  Believe me, I 'ave tried.

Werewolf 1: *looks as if he feels he should be doing something*  Euh… est-ce que vous desirez des escargots, Madame?

Persephone: *twitches*  

N, T & M: Uh-oh.

Persephone: Zat's eet… zat is ze last straw…*pulls the giant _silver _pizza plate out of the nowhere pocket and whaps Werewolf 1 over the head with it*

Werewolf 1: …*thud*

Werewolf 2: Le meep!!

N, T & M: Um.

Persephone: You can run away and tell my 'usband what I 'ave done, or you can take your chances 'ere.

Werewolf 2: …*runs*

Persephone: Il est dans la cuisine de les fruits de la mer!  *looks at the super-cool trio*  Zis way, follow me.  *hops off*

N, T & M: ……*follow*

Persephone: *hops down the hallway and stops in front of a door that is humming and squeaking loudly*  'e is in 'ere, Neo.

Neo: *opens door and steps into a very tiny room, every inch of which is covered with a ridiculous number of keys*  Whoa…

Keymaker: *looks up from a large humming machine and squeaks*

Neo: Hey, little dude… I'm Neo.

Keymaker: *squeaks*  I know, I've been waiting for you.  *pulls key out of a slot in the machine and blows on it twice*

Neo: …cool.

BIG MANSION-LOOKNG PART OF LE CHATEAU: 

Mer-man: AUGH!  My God, Persephone!  'ow could you do zis to me?!  You betrayed me!

Persephone: Cause and effect, mon chère.

Mer-man: Zwhat cause?!  Zere is no cause for zis!

Persephone: "Zwhat cause?"  'ow about ze escargots in your 'air?

Mer-man: Hein?  *plucks a snail out of his hair and resists the urge to eat it*  What is your point?

Persephone: _My point is_ you spend more time gorging yourself on escargots zan you do wiss me!  And I 'ave a strong suspicion- remember zat it is my special talent to know zese sings- zat you are cheating on me but ze director would not allow such filss to be in 'er story.

Mer-man: *sputter*

Persephone: Also, you are annoying.  

Mer-man: Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai!  Woman—

Persephone: Don't call me zat!  Unlike you I 'ave a real name!

Mer-man: Zis is nossing!  C'est rien!  C'est rien du tout!

Persephone: Non, no more!  I 'ave 'ad enough of your snails!  

Mer-man: A—

Persephone: Zat is it, mon chère.  Au revoir.  *walks out*

Mer-man: *fume*  Zis is all your fault!!

  
*pause*

Neo: …oh, you mean us?

Mer-man: *snaps fingers and summons weird blonde dread lock dudes*  Twins, get zem!  …and ze Keymaker too, I suppose.

Twins: *ghostify*

Mako and several other people in the audience: MEEP!

Trinity: That's a nice trick.

Keymaker: Squeak! *runs*

Neo: Go get him, I'll take care of the French dudes.

Trinity and Morpheus: *chase after Keymaker*

Mer-man: Take care of us?!  Your predecessors 'ad much more respect!

Neo: …..what?  Hang on was that more foreshadowing?  I keep telling people to cut it out with that!

Mer-man: You— *gestures to lackeys*  Get 'im!

Lackeys: *pull out guns*

Neo: What, are you kidding?  *holds up hand and stops a zillion bullets, then lets them drop*  Dudes... that was kinda lame.

Mer-man: …Alright so you 'ave some skill.

Audience: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mako: Why does everyone crack up at that part?  I mean it's funny but it's not _Smelrond_ funny…it's not TV-head funny either…

Mer-man: *to lackeys*  Well what are you doing just standing zere?!  I said get 'im!!

Mako: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, _ROB DOUGAN!!_  *audience cheers again as Chateau plays and we go into yet another awesome fight scene*

Lackeys: *grab some random ancient Chinese weapons from the walls and begin attempting to hit Neo*

Neo: *flips around ducking and blocking and kicking and generally looking cool*  Haha missed me!  Missed me again!  Oops too slow!  Whoa close but no cigar!  Mi—*sticks hand out and stops a big ax-thing by the blade, then kicks the guy who was swinging it into the wall*

Lackeys: *pause and watch with interest*

Neo: …Owwie.

Mer-man: You see 'e's just a man.

Neo: No duh… *flips up onto the balcony thing before lackeys can attack again, putting his arms down with a swooshing noise and posing*  But the difference is I'm way cooler than one would think humanly possible.

Lackeys: Le rah!!  *chase after him*

Neo: *magically levitates some dagger things off the walls and they fly into his hands*  Betcha didn't know I could do that, eh?  *starts fighting the nearest lackey with many shingy shing cling shing noises*

Mako and Audience: *dance in seats*  w00000000000000t!

Neo: *shoves a lackey off the balcony, kicks another into a wall and knocks a statue on top of a third*  Come on guys, that the best you got??

Female lackey: Heeyah!  *brandishes sword*

Neo: You bother me.  *pins her sleeves to the wall with a dagger thing and a shield and jumps down the stairs, pursued by several lackeys*  Just how many of you guys are there?!

Lackeys: *chase*

Neo: Boooring!  *does a sideways cartwheel back onto the stairs, kicks a lackey off, flips up to the balcony and stabs another lackey with a plastic cocktail sword*

Lackey: L'aiee!  *falls off*

Female Lackey: *extricates self from shield sticking her to the wall, picks up a giant heavy-looking thing with a pineapple on the end and swings it at Neo, missing by a mile and knocking out some other lackey dude*

Neo: Losers.  *jumps off balcony, followed by unspecified number of remaining lackeys*

Female Lackey: *continues to swing pineapple stick at Neo, hitting everyone but him and eventually knocking herself out*  …l'oops….*thud*

Neo: Wow, that was lame.

Mer-man: *fumes*  You stupid cocky boy!

Neo: Boy?  How old do you think I am?!

Mer-man: Your predecessors 'ad much more respect!  Zey were not like you!

Neo: You said this already… wait a second… that's _FORESHADOWING, _that is!!

Mer-man: Too right, and you shall be faced wiss more of it, mark my words!  Zis is not over!  *hops through door*

Neo: Grrr…. Oh crap door!  *chases after him but just misses the door, opening it again to find not the kitchen that was previously there but the outside of the chateau in the middle of some mountain range that we shall call the French Alps (cuz hey, who knows, it might be)*  Whoa!!  What the monkeys?!

SOME RANDOM HALLWAY IN LE CHATEAU:

Keymaker: *runs*

Morpheus and Trinity: *chase*

Twin One: *phases through floor after the Keymaker and Trinity run by*

Morpheus: Ack!  *grabs a random sword and swings it at ghostified Twin One, which does absolutely nothing*  ….Ack!!  *runs to catch up with Trinity and Keymaker*

Keymaker: *pulls out a key and unlocks a door*

Trinity: What are you doing?

Keymaker: *squeak*  Another way.  Always another way.  *is cute*

Trinity: …okay.

Keymaker: *opens door and runs through, followed by Trinity and Morpheus*  Squeak!  Close it, quick!

Twin One: *un-ghostifies and runs at the door*

Morpheus: *slams door on Twin One's arm*  Dangit!

Trinity: *whips out gun*

Keymaker: SQUEAK!!  You can't do that!!

Trinity: What?

Keymaker: That's VIOLENT!  *squeaks*  You'll have the director to answer to!

Trinity: Are you SERIOUS?!  We can't use guns?!  _THIS IS THE MATRIX!_

Morpheus: I can't believe we haven't had this problem yet.

Keymaker: *squeaks*  Kung-fu him!!

Trinity: But.. that's violent too…

Keymaker: Meh, it's different.  Squeak.

Twin One: *funny British accent muffled through door*  COULD WE MOVE ALONG?!

Morpheus: *opens door slightly and slams it on Twin One's arm again*

Twin One: Ow!!  Bloody—

Twin Two: *ghostifies and flies through door, doing a somersault and solidifying on the other side*

Twin One: *through door*  IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME!

Twin Two: Oh, shut up, you stupid git.  It's always what's convenient for YOU, isn't it!  Just because you happened to be named "One!"  Little sod.

Trinity, Morpheus and Keymaker: ….

Twin One: *still muffled through door*  You _prat!_  You've just used every British insult the director knows in three bloody sentences!

Twin Two: And you'd bloody well get more if I had any!

Keymaker: *taps Trinity and sneaks off to a parked car, as they are in a parking garage*

Twin One: Look, quit fannying around and sock the stupid—

Twin Two: …bugger.

Twin One: What? …*finds no resistance and opens door*  You let them get away?!

*A loud _VROOM_ followed by a long screech indicates that the trio has made their escape and also that Trinity is driving*

Twin Two: …oh, go get stuffed.

OWARI!

Director's note: Mwhehehehehee… Wow, the Twins ARE fun to write!  *snicker*  I know that wasn't much of an ending but I had to stop right before the car chase… cuz believe me, that'll be quite enough for a chapter on its own.  But the completion of Le Chateau means that I have now reached the HALF-WAY POINT!  w0000000t!  Let me explain what this means again, in case I was unclear before.  I'll make another story with a different name (but it'll still have Dude Where's My Spoon so you'll find it) and post everything that I've written so far in chronological order as one chapter under that one.  It reads much better that way, trust me.  After that, new scenes will be posted as they're written in this story right here, but when I do finally finish the whole thing the second half will be posted as chapter two of the other story.  That make a bit more sense?  And I've just realized I'm missing a Zion scene where Niobe and Soren volunteer to go find the Neb.  Crap.  Well expect that one next, and THEN I'll do the chronological one.  0.o;  Till next time,

~The notoriously unorganized Mako


	9. Her Majesty's Valiant Captains!

Dude, Where's My Spoon?

The scene that Mako almost forgot: Her Majesty's Valiant Captains!

SCENE: Zion Council room.  Lock (whose nickname, it seems, is Deadbolt…for some unknown reason) is standing at a table with all the captains and their crews behind him and in front of him the Council, consisting of Hamann, Spoon Kid, Jimmy Hendricks and the Queen of England.  Everyone but Spoon Kid looks about to fall asleep as Lock has apparently been rambling for quite a long time.

Lock: Blah blah blah thousands of squiddies blah blah blah digging attacking blah blah blah never faced anything like this blah blah blah blah blah…IN CONCLUSION!

Most of council and crews behind Lock: *jump*

Lock: I _urge_ the Council to REALIZE THE TRUTH—

Spoon Kid: Ahem!  I believe that's _my_ line?

Lock: *twitches*  Yes… _sir_…. Anyway I must say that this is the single greatest threat we have ever faced.  If we do not act accordingly, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Jimmy Hendricks: Dude, we get it.  However we must ask if the Nebuchadnezzar has sent word.

Lock: No, sir, we have not heard from them.

Niobe: Hmm…

Queen of England: Then you will send a ship to ascertain the fate of the One.

Lock: I'm sorry your Majesty, but no can do.

Queen of England: You will do, Commander, if I say so.

Lock: One ship will take days to find the Neb!

Queen of England: Then send two.  It's called common sense, Commander.

Lock: _YOU'RE ALL INSANE!_

Hamann: Shut up, Commander.

Lock: WHY DOES NOBODY EVER LISTEN TO ME?!

Spoon Kid: *slides off of the stack of phone books on his chair and walks over to Lock*

Lock: *twitch*

Spoon Kid: Easy, Commander.  Remember, there is no spoon.

Lock: What the… that's supposed to help me, is it?!

Spoon Kid: *shakes head*  Zion-borns…

Queen of England: Are there two captains here who would volunteer to find the Nebuchadnezzar?

Lock: Wait, I didn't agree to— *is hit in the head with a spoon*  Oww!  *glares at Spoon Kid*

Spoon Kid: *looks innocent* I didn't— somebody's throwin' stuff…

Smith-Bane: *whispers*  We should volunteer!

Malachi: What?  Have you gone _insane?!_

Smith-Bane: Err…

Ballard: Put a cork in it, Bane.

Queen of England: Well?

Soren: *stands up*  Captain Soren of the Vigilant will volunteer, your Majesty!

Queen of England: You understand the situation, Captain?

Soren: Yes, your Majesty.  We will have approximately two lines each and thirty seconds in the spotlight before dying nobly after accomplishing absolutely nothing.

Queen of England: Very well.  Is there another?

Niobe: *stands up*  Captain Niobe of the Logos will answer the Council's call, your Majesty.

Lock: WHAT?!

Queen of England: You understand the situation as well, Captain?

Niobe: Yes, your Majesty.  I will go and save Morpheus, looking extremely cool while doing so, then blow up a power plant and do lots of other things that are only glimpsed but hint at extreme coolness to be explored in the game.

Queen of England: Thank you, captain.  Council adjourned!

*everyone gets up and starts mumbling and shuffling out*

Lock: Why do I even bother?!

Spoon Kid: Beats me.  *walks off*

Lock: …

Niobe: *walks up to Lock*

Lock: What are you DOING?!

Niobe: What I can.

Lock: Why?!

Niobe: Because I'm not a LOSER like you!  I mean, _Jason?!_  What kind of name is that for somebody in the real world?!

Lock: I—

Niobe: Besides, some things never change, and some things do.

Lock: Wait, you didn't even say that line in the beginning!  You skipped it and went dancing with Morpheus!

Niobe: Hey... that's right!  HA-ha!

Lock: UGH!  I QUIT!  *runs off*

Niobe: *shrugs and walks off in the other direction, followed by Ghost and Sparks*

Sparks: Should I ask?

Ghost: No.

Sparks: Okay.

OWARI!

Director's note: So that was short… but it's a short scene.  NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER VERSION!  w00t w00t!  Look for it soon!  Till next time,

~Mako


	10. Sidedish: And Now For Something Complete...

Dude, Where's My Spoon?  SIDE-DISH!

This chapter is dedicated to Rei-chan and Hobbit-Eyes in sincere thanks for all your support.  I LOVE YOU GUYS!  *glomp*

And now, without further ado I give you a Dude, Where's My Spoon Original Side-dish: 

**And Now For Something Completely Different: The Crossover that Wasn't!**

Backstory: Remember that message left on the Neb before Neo went off to see the Oracle, by someone named "A.U."?  Well after the car chase (which I am aware that I haven't posted yet, I'm workin' on it I'm workin' on it!) Neo and company set off to meet with this mysterious messenger.  …and here we go.

PART ONE

THE MATRIX:

Neo, Trinity and Morpheus, after being plugged in and supplied with an old car by their ever-so-helpful operator, found themselves standing by an excessively random payphone on a dirt road in the middle of a pristine countryside.  It was a warm but overcast day in modern Matrix New Zealand.  They were completely surrounded by rolling green fields, distant, towering, blue snow-capped mountains, and—

"**_COWS!!!_**"

Morpheus jumped.  Trinity groaned and smacked her forehead with a gloved hand.

"What's he—" Morpheus' inquiry was abruptly cut off as Neo flew by at lightning speed, zipping over a field of startled ruminates with a slightly disturbing squeal.  "COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWS!  REAL— err.. FAKE COWS!!!!!!  HOORAAAAAAAAY!"

"THERE ARE NO COWS, NEO!" screamed Trinity, but he was already too far gone.

"THIS ONE'S BESSIE, AND THIS ONE'S BUTTERMILK, AND THIS ONE'S PEACHES N' CREAM—"

"Ye gods, what's wrong with him?!" screeched a disturbed Morpheus.

"He thinks he was Amish in another life or something…" Trinity muttered.

"—AND THIS ONE'S OREO, AND THIS ONE'S NELLIE, AND THIS ONE'S MARY SUE—"

"We have to get him out of here before he starts singing Rent!" yelled Trinity.

"_What?!_"

"—AND THIS ONE'S—" a gasp, "—EEEEELSIIIIIEEE!"

Trinity hit the ground with an anime-style thud.  Morpheus looked perplexed and terrified.  Neo gazed pitifully at the frightened cow while hovering in front of it, and then began, quietly…

"Last night I had a dream.  I found myself in a desert called… Cyberland."

"Waaaiiit…" Morpheus thought this sounded oddly familiar.

"My canteen had sprung a leak and I was…thirsty.  OUT OF THE ABYSS walked a cow.  Elsie.  I asked her if she had anything to drink.  She said, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M FORBIDDEN TO PRODUCE…milk."  His feet touched the ground.

"NOW!"

"In CYBERLAAAAAAND WE ONLY DRINK…diet co-oooaaack!"  Trinity collided with Neo at an incredible speed, propelling him face-first into the grass and pinning him there as Morpheus came up from behind, grabbing Neo's ankles and dragging them towards the car.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" squealed Neo, clawing at the ground.  "MOOOOOO!  EEEEEEELSIIIIEEEE!  Heeeeeeey you're going to get grass stains on my cassock!!  MOOOOO!!"

Several minutes later Neo was buckled into the passenger seat of the car, which took off with a screech that is quite difficult to accomplish on a dirt road.  In the field, the wide-eyed Elsie blinked and gave a mournful "mooouuueooo."

***

After an hour's drive Neo had calmed down considerably, when the car arrived on a little main street in the suburbs.  Parking in front of the designated location, a small coffee house, the trio stepped out of the car.  As they took in their surroundings, a tiny kiwi bird bearing a mop of messy dark hair and a pair of enormous black-rimmed glasses went scuttling past their feet at some speed, towing a small collection of what appeared to be MTV awards.  There was a long pause as the trio stared at the spot where the bird had just been, all waiting for someone else to comment.  Finally, Trinity shook her head.  "Should we go inside, then?"  There were general murmurs of agreement from her companions, and the super-cool trio made an about face and proceeded under the forest green awning behind them, into a crowded, dimly lit Starbucks.

"They really do have these everywhere," muttered Morpheus.

"Uh… what are we looking for, exactly?" asked Neo.

"Probably someone from an alternate universe," said Trinity.

"With our luck, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised," said Morpheus.

"Wha?" said the ever-articulate Neo.

"You know, A.U.… Alternate Universe…" Trinity explained.

Neo looked puzzled for a minute, then "…oooooooh!  You're smart."

Trinity smiled slightly but looked more concerned.  "Did you take Ted pills this morning or something?"

"…What?"

"Never mind."

Morpheus looked around the crowded room.  "Well, I don't see—"

"Excuse me, are you from the Nebuchadnezzar?"

The super-cool trio spun around to find themselves face to face with a tall, dark haired woman with suspiciously pointy ears and a warm smile.  She was wearing sunglasses, high-heeled boots and a midnight blue skirt suit with a high, pointed collar and all-over slightly whimsical design.

"Er, yes," said Morpheus, carefully.  "Are you A.U.?"

The woman's smile broadened and she nodded, shaking each of their hands in turn.  "Arwen Undómiel.  I'm very pleased to meet you."

"You wanted to speak to us…" Morpheus began.

"Ah, yes," said Arwen.  "I asked you here because I believe we can help each other.  You see, it's about my father."

"Your… father?" said Trinity.

"Yes," Arwen replied, "but it's a very long story… why don't we have a seat."

"In the back," said Morpheus promptly.

"If you say so," replied Arwen.  She then turned and called to a man at the counter who was chatting amiably with a dazed clerk while counting out large silver-white coins.  He had slightly long, greasy hair, a considerable amount of "manly" stubble, and was wearing a large paper Burger King crown on his head.  "Sweetie, we're moving!" said Arwen, gesturing to a conveniently empty table in a shadowy corner.  The man flashed her a grin and slapped the stunned clerk on the back, picking up an enormous crate of frappuccinos with some difficulty and heading their way.

When he reached the table he dropped the crate in the center with a thud that made Neo jump and wiped his forehead with his sleeve before enthusiastically shaking hands with the super-cool trio.  "Hello!  I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor, also known as Elessar, Estel, Elfstone, Strider, Wingfoot, Longshanks, The Dunadan, Tho—"

"I think that's enough, dear," said Arwen pleasantly.

"Right you are," replied Aragorn, looking completely unfazed as he took his seat.

"…" said the super-cool trio.

Arwen, who had inconspicuously finished off two frappuccinos in the time it took her husband to introduce himself, cleared her throat importantly.  "We should get to business, then."

"…Yes," said Morpheus.

"My father," the Elf Queen began, with all due drama, "is not what one would call…mentally stable."

"The guy's a screwball," interjected Aragorn helpfully.

Wisely ignoring the interruption, Arwen continued, "A number of years ago he took to running off, without his medication.  He would turn up later in other worlds, usually arrested for misuse of magic, and would be sent home.  But this time I'm afraid he's been missing for quite a long time, and he's needed on the set."

"The set?" repeated Trinity questioningly.

"Yes, we're to film the wedding today.  It's no surprise he didn't show up.  He and Estel haven't been on the best of terms this past Age."

"Hates me," said Aragorn cheerfully, taking a frappuccino for himself.  "I think he's developed a thing against all Men since he went off his rocker."

"…why?" said Morpheus.

"Humans, he means," replied Arwen.  "My father is half-Elven and tends to forget what his other half is."

"Nutter," said Aragorn.

"What does this have to do with us?" asked Neo, acting uncharacteristically in-character.

"We believe that the world he escaped to is this one," said Arwen.

"The Matrix?" Trinity asked.

"Possibly more than that.  If I am correct, he has been here for some time, acting as part of this world.  He left for almost four years to film the first two Lord of the Rings movies with us, but when he returned this world perceived his absence as lasting only six months."

"A glitch in the Matrix?" asked Morpheus ponderously.  "Why didn't we pick up on it?"

"…no," said Arwen, taking a pull on the straw of her sixth frappuccino, "it was the time between sequels."

"Whoever he is now," said Aragorn, "he's got crazy possessed eyebrows,—" he demonstrated, holding his index fingers to his forehead, pointing so far down as to be nearly vertical, "a hair line like this,—" he drew an imaginary line with a slight widow's peak receding abnormally far back onto his scalp on either side, "a sort of Australian accent he always tries to hide, and when he gets mad he twitches like this—"

"And I must be honest," interjected Arwen as Aragorn demonstrated a number of facial tics, looking extremely amused, "he does seem to have an unfairly negative opinion of humans.  It's his mind going, really.  He's still part mortal, _something _had to give after so many thousands of years."

"Did I mention he's completely insane?" asked Aragorn, looking pleased with himself.

Trinity and Morpheus gaped, expressing wordless disbelief.  Neo looked in deep thought for a moment, before replying "Doesn't ring a bell…"  Trinity and Morpheus fell from their chairs, the anime onomatopoeia "THUD!" lingering in the air for several seconds before they sprang back to their seats.

"Your father is AGENT SMITH?!" shouted Morpheus.

"…WHAT?!" said Neo, several seconds later.

"I hope he hasn't caused you any trouble," said Arwen.  "He's quite harmless, provided he takes his dried frog pills."

"Dried...fro…" Morpheus muttered.

"Oh, no trouble at all!" said Trinity, "He only KILLED NEO!"

There was a pause.

"…I got better," Neo said.

"So lemme get this straight," said Morpheus, massaging his head.  "Agent Smith is a.. a…"

"Psychotic Elf?!" finished Neo, looking like the idea was more amusing than disturbing.

"Half-Elf," said Arwen.

"If you remind him of that he gets reeeaaally annoyed," said Aragorn, grinning.

"His name is Elrond, actually," said Arwen.  "He is the wise and powerful Lord of Rivendell…or he was anyway."

"Dude," said Neo.  Trinity cleared her throat pointedly.  "Sorry," he responded automatically.  Aragorn smirked.

"Would you go get some more frappuccinos, dear?" asked Arwen, and the trio looked at the crate, realizing that it had been rather suddenly emptied of its twenty or so frozen coffee drinks.  Aragorn, apparently seeing nothing out of the ordinary about this, whistled a triumphant sounding Howard Shore tune as he took up the empty crate and approached the counter.

Morpheus couldn't help but notice Mako's tendency to write people like old married couples.  Then again, while these two looked to be perhaps in their thirties, you could never be sure.  The thing about the frog pills was still bothering him a bit.

"Wait a second…" said Trinity, looking as if she had finally pinpointed something that had been bothering her for a long time, "that's IT!"  She stood up abruptly, slamming both hands on the table.  "AGENT SMITH!  ELROND!  _AGENT SMELROND!  THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING!!_"

Trinity suddenly noticed that the coffee house had become very quiet, aside from the clinking of the odd spoon falling onto a saucer.  Seconds later from the counter came the sound of Aragorn bursting into a hysterical fit of laughter, leaning on the frightened cashier as he gasped "Smelrond!  That's better than Elrondo!"  Looking unabashed at the stares of the coffeehouse attendees, Trinity sat down quietly and the other customers gradually turned back in their seats and resumed their conversations.

"Um, what?" said Neo, as soon as the sound level had again reached a dull roar.

Trinity had her head in her hands.  "You'll just magically forget I said anything if I tell you."

"Uh… 'kay."

"Soooo…" said Morpheus, looking for a change of subject, "what are we, uh, going to do about this, then?  About… Smelrond, or whoever he is."

"I was rather hoping you would know where I could find him," said Arwen.

"Try, like, everywhere," said Neo.

"Pardon?"

"He's got a new trick," explained Neo sadly.  "Turns everybody into him."

"Eh?" said Aragorn, appearing once again and setting a fresh crate of frappuccinos on the table.

"He clones himself over people in the Matrix, or something.  Then he goes around saying 'everybody's me' like it's the funniest thing in the world."

"It is," said Mako.

There was a pause.

"Did you hear…" began Morpheus.  Trinity just shook her head.

Arwen appeared deep in thought.  "That might be it, then…"

"Be what?" said Neo.

"We were almost certain we detected his presence in your… well, I shouldn't mention that."

"Nope," said Aragorn unconcernedly, slurping up the bottom of a frappuccino through his straw.

Neo moaned pitifully, his forehead hitting the table.  There came the muffled whine, "foreshadowing…"

"Terribly sorry, but it's not our place to tinker with the important bits of your plot continuum."

"Define important," said Trinity.

"Sorry, I can't say more about it.  But I do think we may be able to find my father, if you'll help us.  It might be a help to you too."

"What's your plan?" asked Morpheus.

A hitherto unseen mischievous smile crossed the Elf's face.  "We set a trap."

Aragorn cheered.

***

Half an hour later, by the magic of Matrix travel, the super-cool trio plus Arwen and Aragorn arrived in Chinatown.  People swarmed about them but the crowd seemed to magically part in front of them, so that they could easily go wherever they wanted without waiting for a lull in the traffic.  Unfortunately, as they were relying on Neo for directions, where they wanted to go was not immediately clear.

"I know it's around here somewhere!  It was near that random French restaurant."

"Just out of curiosity, what was it called?" asked Trinity.

"The teahouse?"

"No, the French restaurant."

"Um… Le Vrai, I think."

"Figures."

"Why do we need this guy, anyway?" asked Morpheus.

"Cuz he's got the key!" said Neo.

"The key to what?"

"The weird hallway thingy."

"Couldn't we just get it from the Keymaker?"

A pause.

"…forgot we had him."

"Actually, Niobe does, while we're here."

"Ah well, let's just stick to plan A then."

"Whose bright idea was it to let YOU come up with plan A?"

"Mako's.  She likes Seraph."

Morpheus rolled his eyes, reached into the nowhere pocket, extracted the random Magical Phonebook, and began flipping through it, while Aragorn stopped at a vendor's table to look at a demonic glowing red bobble-head doll of George Dubya Bush in a monkey suit.

"Colin Chou, was it?  He's not in here…"

"Try Ngai Sing," said Mako.

Another pause.

"Just do it…" said Trinity.

"Ah, here he is.  The Teahouse, 000 Chao Xian St.  …000?"

"It's like the teahouse that no one can find unless they know where it is!" said Mako.

Arwen and Aragorn groaned, having heard quite enough of this from a friend of theirs.  "CUT THAT OUT!" said Trinity, who was growing tired of being the only one not confused by the random outbursts.

"Fine, fine…"

Aragorn tapped a random passerby on the shoulder.  "S'cuse me, could you direct us to…Chow Shan Street?"

The author cringed.  Arwen's hand appeared out of nowhere and shoved Aragorn's head down and out of the way as she stepped forward, smiling apologetically at the confused man.  Using an Elf's natural aptitude for languages, she quickly received directions and bowed in thanks as the stranger went about his business.  The fantasmical five, as the author decided to call them because she was bored, found Chao Xian Street without any problem, however locating the teahouse proved more difficult.

"What you need," said Mako, grinning although no one could see her, "is a compass that doesn't point North."

"Shut up," said Trinity.

"Wait… I GOT IT!" Neo exclaimed, the light bulb practically visible above his head.  "Here, everybody face this way and pretend like you're lost, 'kay?"

"We are lost…" said Morpheus.

"Oh, I know it is here some where!" Neo loudly announced to the world at large.  It's perfectly acceptable for friends to make fun of his acting, just not people who actually don't like him.  "Where thee monkeys could it be-ee?  Oh what ever shall I do?"

"…" said the other four.

"I am sure I made thee correct turn, which is left," he continued.  "But now I am not at thee place, which is thee Teahouse."  He lowered his voice and, thankfully, spoke like a normal human being, "Now…when I say go, turn around, kay?  Ready?  Go!"

The other four, exchanging glances that clearly said "Is he always like this?" and "Yep, pretty much, just play along," did as Neo said and were surprised to find that when they were again facing the other side of the street there was a building that had previously not been there.  The sign above the door read "The Teahouse, 000 Chao Xian St."

"How…" began Morpheus.

"Easy," replied Neo, beaming, "there is no teahouse!"  The company proceeded through the door, Neo leading the way.  "Coulda fooled me," muttered Aragorn, the last to enter.

**TO BE CONCLUDED** (doncha hate that?)

Stuff I KNOW you didn't get:

**1. The cows.**  Okay, it's a long complicated inside joke…but I'll explain.  My friends and I find the word cheese immensely funny.  The history behind this is largely forgotten and too long to go into now.  In any case, in our great and undying love for our little bald philosopher friend the Spoon Kid, we somehow ended up saying "there is no cheese" and in some hypothetical imagination universe this caused Neo to become very upset and say WHY is there no cheese?  To which Spoon Kid replied because there is no cow.  And Neo positively flipped out at this because he likes cows and believes he was Amish in another life (well, in his last life he was Ted from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but before that.)  In the real world he has a cow plushie named Bessie.  No one knows where she came from or how she came to be although it is rumored that Trinity had something to do with it.  It is also rumored that Bessie is made of beans.  To explain would take a very long time and go into the discussion of how I, Mako, introduced to the dancing masses of Zion the wonders of soy, which they now use to make all their food (besides gloop,) their TVs, much of their clothing, and unfortunately their strange tribal drum thingies.  Neo doesn't like everything being made of beans, but I need only to remind him that before there was soy, there were rocks.  This is also why our nickname for Mouse is Soy Cheese, but I think we've gotten off-topic enough here.  And if you don't know Rent……...I don't feel like explaining.

**2.The Kiwi Bird.**  Was Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings movies.  As to why he's a kiwi…. Long story.  And if you haven't seen the MTV Movie Awards this year…well you better hurry up and see them before my Architect chapter comes out.  Dear kami-sama that was funny…

**3. Dried Frog Pills.** A reference to Discworld, the wonderful books by Terry Pratchett.  Dried frog pills are what crazy people take, though what they actually do to improve one's condition is unclear.  Morpheus was upset by this because in our strange world Morpheus has a frog fetish similar to Neo's love of cows.  This makes only slightly less sense than the latter, for it was the demented brainchild of a late-night Matrix viewing with Rei-chan and many frappuccinos (we'll get to that next.)  I said how does Switch die her hair on the Neb?  Where does she get the peroxide??  And Rei said well how does Morpheus shave his head?  And (keep in mind this was very late at night) I thought for a minute before saying …with frogs…?  The rest is history.

**4. Arwen and the Frappuccinos.  **It's another one of those things that just is… and unlike Neo and Morpheus there's really no story behind it.  Arwen's just addicted to frappucinnos, (can you blame her?) and there's not much more to say.  Well, except that there is now a Starbucks of Gondor.  Or fifteen.

EXPECT PART TWO…..uh…. WHEN I GET AROUND TO IT!

Till next time, this is your Redirector, signing off!

~Mako


End file.
